left leg not broken... but it should be

"Life these days is getting rough

Knocks you down and beats you up

But it’s just a roller coaster anyway, yeah

It’s not right, not okay

Say the word that should say

Maybe we’re better off this way

I’m not fine, I’m in pain

It’s harder everyday

Maybe we’re better off this way

It’s better that we break, baby"

 -Maroon 5

i've gotten a taste of what it is like to lose someone this week... really lose someone. gone. off the planet. i've lost people before (see above- broken friendship). but death is not something i have had to deal with yet. i have both my parents, all my siblings, all my friends, all four grandparents, my cousins and all of my aunts and uncles- save annalise, who's void i do feel in my life- but she died when i was a baby and so i cannot claim to have felt the pain of her actual death (besides, i like to think she watches over me and therefore i have had her all along). 

understandably the thought of losing someone so close to me has freaked me out pretty thoroughly and i am once again thinking that i'm in a hurry and there's just not enough time.  i'm thinking of mistakes i've made and broken friendships and other things going wrong in my life and i am, as usual, unsure of my next step. 

but this i do know.

my grandpa should be dead. but he is here. he is alive. 

and so am i.